Movie Review: We're Going to Eat You

I looked at the cover of this Chinese movie.   I saw the title.  We're Going To Eat You!?  Finally!   A Hong Kong produced Chinese zombie movie!

The Gweilo's Movie Ratings for We're Going to Eat You
The Chinese movie review continues below this info box!

Category	Rating
WTF Meter	3.8 out of 5
MST3K-Ability	4.5 out of 5
OVERALL QUALITY	2.2 out of 5

What do these numbers mean?

Chinese Movie	We're Going to Eat You
Director	Tsui Hark
Actors	Norman Chu, Eddie Ko Hung, Melvin Wong, Michelle Yim
Year	1980
Format Viewed	VCD (Mei Ah VCD937) What is a VCD?

But there were no zombies.  What was I thinking?  Hong Kong never had many zombie movies.  But they did have a whole bunch of this kind of movie.

What is a VCD?

You may have noticed that in a number of my reviews, I watch most of these movies in a format called VCD.  What is a VCD?

If that's what you want to know, this is the post for you.  If you want to learn some tips and tricks for working with VCDs, this is also the post for you.

Movie Review: Spooky Family

I think I can guess how this Chinese movie got made.  Some producer thought it would be a good idea to cash in on the huge and lucrative Addams Family craze of 1990 (you'll have to stay with me here).  So director Chin Yuet Sang begin his film with a shot of the "Spooky Family" posing together in a recognizable Addams Family style, while the Addams Family theme music played (with one note different, to make it an "original" song!)

The Gweilo's Movie Ratings for Spooky Family
The Chinese movie review continues below this info box!

Category	Rating
WTF Meter	4.4 out of 5
MST3K-Ability	4.7 out of 5
OVERALL QUALITY	3.5 out of 5

What do these numbers mean?

Chinese Movie	Spooky Family
Director	Chin Yuet Sang
Actors	Kent Cheng, Nina Li Chi, Pauline Wong, Sandra Ng, Billy Lau, Peter Chan Lung
Year	1990
Format Viewed	VCD (China Star Entertainment Group, WF50103V)

At this point, about twenty seconds into the movie, the director must have said "Screw this!  The Addams Family is not huge and lucrative, as my stupid producer thinks.  I'm going to make my own movie!"  So, after less than a minute into the film, the director tore up the script and threw out the premise.  The movie struck off entirely on its own...

Movie Review: Till Death Do We Scare

Her name is "Irene Leen."  An old, Chinese-movie-style fortune teller proclaims this to be a very unlucky last name indeed.  She should have picked a different one.  With a last name like "Leen," she is destined to always be a widow.  After all, it’s the same last name as JFK’s famous widow.  "You know," he says. "Jacqueline!"  Amazing.

The Gweilo's Movie Ratings for Till Death Do We Scare
The Chinese movie review continues below this info box!

Category	Rating
WTF Meter	2.6 out of 5
MST3K-Ability	2.7 out of 5
OVERALL QUALITY	1.2 out of 5

What do these numbers mean?

Chinese Movie	Till Death Do We Scare
Director	Lao Kai Wing
Actors	Olivia Cheng, Alan Tam, David Chiang, Wong Ching, Raymond Wong
Year	1982
Format Viewed	VCD (Media Asia/Megastar MS/VCD219HK)

This is a ludicrous premise, and it leads to a satisfyingly silly Chinese movie.  From the Gweilo's perspective, it seems as though nobody was taking Till Death Do We Scare seriously at any point in its creation.  Which frees up the director for some amazingly absurd scenes.  For example,

Movie Review: Too Many Ways to Be No. 1

Too Many Ways to be No. 1 is possibly the most violent comedy I have ever seen.  At least, I have to assume this Chinese movie is intended to be a comedy.  There is way too much situational humor, way too many unlikely coincidences, way too much goofiness in the directing and cinematography for this to even possibly be intended as a serious drama.

The Gweilo's Movie Ratings for Too Many Ways to be No. 1
The Chinese movie review continues below this info box!

Category	Rating
WTF Meter	4.6 out of 5
MST3K-Ability	3.5 out of 5
OVERALL QUALITY	4 out of 5

What do these numbers mean?

Chinese Movie	Too Many Ways to be No. 1
Director	Wai Ka Fi
Actors	Lau Ching Wan, Carman Lee, Frances Ng
Year	1997
Format Viewed	DVD (City Laser & Video Company Limited NDVD 129)  Oddly, this is packaged like a VCD.

Imagine taking Quinten Tarantino's Reservoir Dogs, mixing it in a blender with Run Lola Run, adding the silliest tricks of Hong Kong film making, then splattering it with enough blood and gore and severed fingers that you really, honestly have no idea what kind of movie you're watching.  From the Gweilo's perspective...

Movie Review: The God of Cookery

The God of Cookery is a funny, funny movie from the Gweilo's perspective.  That's partly because it is intended to be funny--it is a comedy after all--and partly because the humor translates so strangely from the Chinese context to the American.  The movie is a take-off on Japan's very popular (at the time) Iron Chef TV program.  Except this movie is what Iron Chef should have been like:  A cooking competition with shotguns, mysterious uninvited Buddhist monks, remote-controlled bombs, magical fairies, dancing judges, and lots of kung fu.

The Gweilo's Movie Ratings for The God of Cookery
The Chinese movie review continues below this info box!

Category	Rating
WTF Meter	3 out of 5
MST3K-Ability	3.7 out of 5
OVERALL QUALITY	5 out of 5

What do these numbers mean?

Chinese Movie	The God of Cookery
Director	Stephen Chow
Actors	Stephen Chow, Karen Mok, Ng Man-Tat, Vincent Kok
Year	1996
Format Viewed	VCD (Universe U333 VCD 1485)

This is cooking where the kung fu is sometimes used for fighting, but is more often applied directly to the art of cooking, such as various kung fu styles of frying.  Also, the pinnacle of culinary success in the world of this film is a dish called “Exploding Pissing Beef Balls.”  Yes it is.  And to top it off, Stephen Chow's movie presents a remarkably engaging story in spite of all the silliness involved.

Movie Review: Never Compromise

The back cover of this Chinese movie has a poorly translated plot summary of Never Compromise.  It begins:

Because of drug problem, 'Homicidal Mania' Bill and Shing conflict with a guy of triad society and kill seven...

Wait!  “'Homicidal Mania' Bill”?!

The Gweilo's Movie Ratings for Never Compromise
The Chinese movie review continues below this info box!

Category	Rating
WTF Meter	4.5 out of 5
MST3K-Ability	4 out of 5
OVERALL QUALITY	2 out of 5

What do these numbers mean?

Chinese Movie	Never Compromise
Director	Bosco Lam
Actors	Frances Ng, Simon Lui, Yu Rong-Guang
Year	2000
Format Viewed	VCD (Universe U333 VCD 2252)

Right there, I knew I would have to see this movie.  Seriously, how can a movie be bad if the main character is called "Homicidal Mania" Bill? 

Movie Review: Devil Fetus

Hong Kong cinema is nothing if not inventive!  Sometimes a low budget, a tight schedule, or other restrictions can lead to some really creative movie making in Chinese movies. 

For example, a lot of quickly produced low-budget kung fu movies from the '70s had skilled martial artists but little money for props, special effects, or convincing-looking weapons.  A unique film aesthetic developed from this that I like to call the make-anything-a-weapon film technique.  Two combatants would be fighting on the mostly empty movie set.  The first would pick up whatever is at hand, let's say a chair, and suddenly he's wielding the chair like a pro, whirling it around his head and using it to “chair” his opponent violently through the window.  The opponent lands hard, right next to a garden hose, which he picks up and whips around like he's been training with hoses all his life.  His enemy gets “hosed” with extreme prejudice until he crashes into a passing badger, which he picks up . . . well, you get the picture.  Whatever will they use next as a weapon? becomes a big part of the fun of watching this kind of thing.

The Gweilo's Movie Ratings for Devil Fetus
The Chinese movie review continues below this info box!

Category	Rating
WTF Meter	4.7 out of 5
MST3K-Ability	5 out of 5
OVERALL QUALITY	2.5 out of 5

What do these numbers mean?

Chinese Movie	Devil Fetus
Director	Liu Hung Chuen
Actors	Shirley Lui, Ngaai Dik, Lo Pooi Pooi, Lau Dan, Ho Pak-Kwong
Year	1983
Format Viewed	VCD (Deltamac / Fortunestar VCD 7082)

What does this have to do with Devil Fetus?  This film brilliantly takes the make-anything-a-weapon film technique of a low-budget kung fu movie, but adapts it for the horror movie genre, inventing its own make-anything-be-"haunted" technique.  From the Gweilo's perspective, this makes for enormous fun!  You will spend most of the movie wondering Whatever will turn out to be “haunted” next?  A haunted car?  Check.  A haunted dog?  Check.  A haunted fetus?  Well, obviously!  A haunted steam room with moving walls?  OK, sure.  A haunted bedroom set?  Now that's just silly!  A haunted dog-entrail-eating cousin-raping teenage boy?  Wait, WTF kind of movie am I watching?!

Movie Review: 9th September

At Gweilo's Guide, we celebrate what makes Chinese movies weird and fresh and unusual from the gweilo's perspective.  Random, nonsensical film-making strategies are a big part of the fun here.  That's the whole point of the WTF meter. 

The Gweilo's Movie Ratings for 9th September
The Chinese movie review continues below this info box!

Category	Rating
WTF Meter	5 out of 5
MST3K-Ability	3 out of 5
OVERALL QUALITY	1.5 out of 5

What do these numbers mean?

Chinese Movie	9th September
Director	Lam Chin Wai
Actors	Michael Chow Man-Kin, Simon Loui Yu-Yeung, Anita Lee Yuen-Wa
Year	2000
Format Viewed	VCD (Universe VCD 2259)

However, as any B-movie fan will tell you, the weirdness can pile up to a point where it stops being amusingly weird, and it starts being just weird weird, in a bad way.  A movie can get random to the point where it’s difficult to make any sense of it at all.  9th September boldly pushes past this boundary within the first few minutes of the film without even breaking a sweat.  In fact, 9th September sets out to discover if there's an even farther boundary, where the accumulated weirdness hits a kind of critical mass, and turns good again. 

Movie Review: Detective Dee and the Mystery of the Phantom Flame

The main focus of Gweilo's Guide is the extremely zany Hong Kong films of the 80s and 90s.  I don't review a whole lot of current Hong Kong movies.  But Detective Dee is an exception since it's directed by Tsui Hark, a veteran of the golden era and a true master of extremely silly movie-making.

The Gweilo's Movie Ratings for Detective Dee and the Mystery of the Phantom Flame
The Chinese movie review continues below this info box!

Category	Rating
WTF Meter	4.5 of 5
MST3K-Ability	4 of 5
OVERALL QUALITY	3.5 of 5

What do these numbers mean?

Chinese Movie	Detective Dee and the Mystery of the Phantom Flame
Director	Tsui Hark
Actors	Andy Lau, Li Bing Bing, Chao Deng, Carina Lau,Tony Leung Ka-Fai
Year	2010
Format Viewed	In the Theater!

Detective Dee is delightfully absurd.  The main “secret” weapon used by the bad guys in this movie is … actually, before I tell you, try to guess.  Really.  Run anything that could be an evil force's main weapon through your mind, no matter how unlikely.  I'll tell you what it actually is at the end of this review.  But you'll never guess.  In the mean time, I'll run down a few scenes and features of this film that definitely make Detective Dee and the Mystery of the Phantom Flame worth watching from the Gweilo's perspective.